An Information Technology Discussion

When I say information technology, I do, of course, mean someone, as opposed to something. This discussion took place yesterday with one of my supervisors.

Supe: How are things, Landon?
Me: Um. Things are good. The Bears seem to suck again, so it looks like all is right in the world.
Supe: I can’t even watch the games. You know my wife is from Charlotte, so I think I’ve jumped on the Cam Newton bandwagon.
Me: I may ask for a visitors pass sometime soon.
Supe: Can I ask you a quick question?
Me: Of course.
Supe: How do you feel our new information technologist is handling the load?
Me: You’re asking the wrong, very biased individual this question.
Supe: That’s why I am asking you. Because I know you’ll be brutally honest if need be.
Me: I can’t argue that he knows is stuff. He’s just kind of an a** at times. I don’t mean to be harsh, but he has no sense of decorum.
Supe: OK. But you find his professional ability to be up to snuff?
Me: I do.  If I’m being complete fair and honest. I don’t think we could challenge his technological expertise, but socially? I mean IT (Guy) was an example of an enigmatic who gets social grace. I don’t think we’re dealing with that in (IT Fella).
Supe: Good to know. Speaking of which, how is (IT Guy) enjoying California?
Me: Kid in a candy store.
Supe: He sent me a fake OSCAR that said “Best Performance as a Boss”
Me: Like I said.

IT’s FIRST-FINAL Fourth Extravaganza

It’s coming. We have been promised…

IT’s Memo Dated 06.20.2011:

Dearest…and those who I tolerate: 

Swimsuits optional, citations possible.

Come one, come all to the 4th of July BBQ and Grill Festival. It is the first and last annual celebration honoring America and serving as a harbinger to my departure.

We won’t stop without complete spiritual, mental and physical inebriation. Feel free to bring a sleeping bag, and/or tent. Crash out at any point during the weekend. The property is large, containing indigenous flora and fauna and plenty of places to shack in or sleep out. 

BYOWhateverthehellyouwant, especially outrageous fireworks. There is a dock with a diving board. There will be a “diving contest” on Monday, July 4, at 3:00 p.m. The rules are as follows: 

-Leave the weak sauce at home. 
-Get crazy.
-If you injure yourself, you are disqualified; therefore, if you do get hurt, fake it ’til you make it.
-Feel free to incorporate fireworks into your work of art.
-Each contestant will receive 3 (THREE) dives.
-Dives do not have to enter the water in a “head first” style.
-Judging will be completed by myself, Landon, and our ladies to prevent any sexual bias issues. 

The winner will receive a $200 Gift Card from Best Buy. You read it right. A $200 Gift Card to…Best Buy. If you spend it on Geek Squad services, I’ll hunt you down, and beat you with the hand that judged you.

I will provide many varieties of meat. I am planning to smoke multiple racks of ribs (pork spare and baby back–sorry, this isn’t a Kosher party. If you do have needs, let me know and I’ll fire up another grill that remain Pork free). I will also be smoking multiple butt chickens.

If you are a fan of a particular steak or sausage, please let me know by Thursday, June 30. Please RSVP by the same date. There will be a keg arriving on Sunday night, kept on ice until it lasts. Bring additional beverages for your own personal enjoyment, and all dumbassery aside, if you plan on drinking, plan on spending the night if you enjoy the weekend. 

Food will be served at noon on Independence Day. At 1 o’clock I’m stepping away from the grill for the rest of the day. If you want pit master quality, come early. 

If you wish to invite a few friends, that’s dandy–please keep your invites to cool people. Don’t spoil the fun by bringing a French deodorant product. The password for people I don’t know: 

“Why don’t you gentlemen have a Pepsi?” 

I hope to see you all there. 

 

Trojan Horse no Match for IT Savvy

I got nailed with a Trojan Horse. If you have ever been infected with one then you feel my pain and displeasure. I was up until almost 4 this morning trying to get this stupid thing figured out, when I finally gave up. I was hoping to prove something to myself. While she’ll deny it, I think my girl is possibly responsible for the infection. I came in late, and went straight to IT.

Me: Hey bro. Can you help me with something?
Him: What’s up?
Me: I was working on some stuff for you last night, when my laptop started wigging out. I think I have a Trojan Horse virus.
Him: Hmmm. A Trojan Horse isn’t a virus.
Me: Oh. Well. Do you think you could take a look at it.
Him: Of course. Can I peek over lunch?
Me: Yeah, that’d be great. I was gonna say that you could take it home if you wanted–
Him: No, bro, I’ll get the goods going and see if it’s ready by EOD.
Me: So, what exactly is a Trojan Horse?
Him: It’s just a pretty slick infection. Did you download anything recently? You’ve been downloading naughty movies, haven’t you? You have that look about you?
Me: What? The look of a male? No, bro. I know I look definitively deviant, but I hadn’t even used the computer for the past two days.
Him: Uh-huh. If my bracket looked like yours, I’d probably turn to porn, drugs and all things sinful to cope…

I bailed. It’s already fixed. I really wish I had that skill set.

Post It Paper

This is a pretty common prank, but the first time I saw it, it happened to be the fruit of IT Guy’s labor.

There once was a particular gent who would disappear to the restroom for an extended period daily. It was too obvious not to notice, and after awhile, people began to talk. No one would bad mouth the guy, but we were all fairly curious as to his biological clock. While there is a multi-seater on the floor, this particular gent would only use the single/male/female/handicap room. Without fail, right around 11:30 a.m. he would disappear for about half an hour, then emerge to go to lunch for an hour. Exactly. Who wouldn’t want a 90 minute paid lunch?

One particular Thursday – I remember it being a Thursday – IT Guy showed up to my cubicle about 9:30 a.m.

Him: Landon. I had an idea. I’m putting that idea into motion.
Me: Do I need to call the fire department?
Him: I’m going into the uni-restroom. In 5 minutes I need you to come by the door and give it one knock.
Me: Why am I doing this?
Him: I’ve got a million post-its, and I’m going to cover the toilet with them.
Me: Dude. That is cruel.
Him: Slow day, what can I say. I need to use my time creatively.

So, I did it. I knocked once. The door opened slightly, and a backpack was handed to me. I walked it back to my cubicle, which wasn’t yet a double wide, and looked inside it. He had taken all the toilet paper from the storage cabinet (and left just a little bit on the roll).

I had a look in the restroom to admire the handy work. The commode was covered completely.

The rest of the morning was a blur. 11:30 rolled around. Dude went to the bathroom. IT Guy walked by and tossed me a wink. 30 or so minutes passed. Dude emerged.

IT Guy waited for him to head out to lunch, then went back into the bathroom.

Me: So?
Him: The post-its were neatly stuck together in a stack. Here’s the one from the top.

It read: “I take my insulin.”

Him: I’m an a**hole.

The System is Down

We’re all sitting here due to electronic funk that has drastically slowed the function of our business. Oh no. We have plenty connection to the outside world. The Internet is fine. Dandy. Great. But our internal network is a mess. I’ve done about everything I can, so I’m just sitting and eating a banana in my double wide, hoping that everything will be up and rolling sometime after lunch.

IT Guy is running around like a headless chicken. If you have never seen a headless chicken, I highly recommend finding an example on YouTube. About every three minutes he goes from one end of the floor to the other, and then back to his office, swearing every step of the way. You can hear him coming like a passing car.

Him: I f***ing told them that this would eventually happen. If the cheap bas**rds would just listen to me, this wouldn’t be happening. And who are they pissed at…?

He trails off as he moves far into the distance. I stopped him about 45 minutes ago.

Me: Is there anything I can do to help?
Him: Um…

I’m still waiting for my answer. I really don’t know what the problem is–if it’s a computer virus, or just aging software that can’t keep up with the demands put on it. I’m sure I’ll get the low-down at some point later today.

Mad Men Monday

There was a handwritten note delivered to everyone’s desk this afternoon, alerting us all to the next Monday Morale exercise. We’re all supposed to roll in on Monday in Mad Men garb. Pictures were included in the mix for those who aren’t fans, or who have never seen the show. There’s no way you’re not familiar with it, so I’ll spare you the details, but I’m going to need to do a little thrift store shopping tonight or tomorrow.

I’m no Don Draper. I suppose I’m more a Pete Campbell. IT Guy is our Don Draper.

Him: I’m gonna look so good. Please participate in this…hair and everything.
Me: Oh, it’s a done deal. I already know what I’m shopping for. You know what you gotta do!? Fill an old Scotch bottle with tea. We can hit that all day. I’ll bring some nice glasses.
Him: I think you just inspired me. That is the most beautiful thing I’ve heard all week.

Monday Morale

As the day started, we were all called to the conference room for a quick meeting. Little did we know that our Supervisor and IT Guy had devised a little something that they wanted to call Monday Morale. Seriously, I thought we had become an even more absurd version of “The Office” with this suggestion. If only we sold paper.

IT and Supe explained that it was obvious everyone was aware of their inter-office drama, pre-holidays. They apologized, explained it off as a misunderstanding, and thought it would be fun for us to have some fun on Mondays due to the fact that everyone loathes to come in on Mondays. That’s pretty universal in our society.

Him: I’m going to be your weekly Monday Morale leader. There’ll be no excuses to miss our games and competitions, so don’t schedule meetings or conference calls for Monday mornings, OK? Here’s the deal. Anything goes. If you have a suggestion, and I hope everyone does, then you need to put it in this beautiful golden box that my fiancée made. I’m going to call it the suggestion box. Today we are going to begin with a scooter relay race, shuttle style, best 3 of 5, down the main hallway.
Random Girl: What about those of us in skirts and heels?
Him: I would ditch the heels, but no excuse for the skirt. Tennis players compete in skirts.

It was the most enjoyable Monday I can remember in quite some time.

Legitimate IT Guy

The guy knows his stuff.

I usually sound off about the craziness of our office politics, and how the world’s most interesting IT Guy fits into that mix, but when we all returned back to work today from the recent holiday, various vacations, etc. IT Guy worked us through a powerpoint that had to do with computer fraud, identity theft and all things related to how dangerous the Internet has become to those who don’t know how to use it.

I’ve always known of viruses and how annoying they can be, but we had to sign off on understanding the dangers of spyware, and to avoid it on our work computers. We’re allowed incredible freedom here, I must say, for research, education digging and whatnot. As I’ve mentioned, we’re not very big, so no one really pushes their boundaries; however, when digging into his presentation today, he got a great laugh and a deeper understanding from everyone.

Him: If I were going to prepare you for a test, I could use a couple simple analogies. A virus is to a computer as the flu is to your body. Spyware is to a computer as an STD is to your body.

Educational and classically inappropriate. Seriously though, looking at numbers for criminal activity associated with the Internet, it looks as if it’s only going to get worse. Especially considering a growing knowledge base and continuously bleak economic forecast.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I’ll be back in January. But before I go, another memory.

My first year at my current job, there was a guy over me who had quite an odd relationship with IT Guy. I wouldn’t say they are friends – more like foes. They loved to hate each other. They never spoke a harsh word, but they were always playing really mean-spirited practical jokes on one another.

After this guy quit, I remember IT Guy working on the computer he left behind. I remember, because I could hear him swearing from the cubicle across the way.

Him: What the hell did you do to this thing? What in God’s name is that smell in here? Does anyone else smell that?

He fought with that computer for 20 minutes before beginning to tear it apart. When he pulled the casing from the back of it, there was ham sandwich inside of it with a note that said, “I’ll miss you.”

On a related note, IT wanted me to let all admirers know that he’s going to start charging for “being so awesome” in 2011.

Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy New Year.

 

Office Party Curveballs

I’m thrilled to let you in on this. Life is such a wonderful teacher, and at times it can be such a b*tch slapper, too.

IT Guy, regardless of his computer genius, was schooled. Schooled in life. Why I’ve always like this guys is because he’s unafraid to apologize and admit when he is wrong. Now. I’m kind of leaking some office secrets that no one knows about except for myself, because IT Guy told me, and our intimates. Congrats, now you know, too. Of course (Supervisor) knows and (Formerly annoying girl) knows.

Our party was this evening, and I just had to get this onto the cyber-page.

At the party (Keep in mind, this is a second hand conversation):

Him: Hey (Supe), can I buy you a drink?
Supe: That would be fine.

Him: I owe you an apology.
Supe: Apology accepted.
Him: What’s the problem between us?
Supe: In all fairness, that’s the problem – fairness. We haven’t been fair to one another. I think there are some things that I’ve kind of heard through the rumor mill, and if you can keep this conversation between us, then I’d be happy to share them. Because we’re both great employees, with excellent professional skill sets, and this ongoing feud is silly.
Him: I could not agree more.
Supe: So. (Formerly annoying girl).
Him: Yes.
Supe: She’s my niece.
Him: Holy s***.
Supe: Does that help explain a lot?
Him: That explains everything. I had no idea.
Supe: That’s the way we want it, and that’s the way we should keep it, OK?
Him: Oh, man. I just feel terrible. I feel like such an ass.
Supe: Why? Don’t. I just appreciate that you were willing to make nice with her. But to clear the air – no, I’m not sexually attracted to my older sister’s daughter.
Him: No way. Your sister’s daughter!?
Supe: We actually had a big argument one night about something work related, and I said some things that were unkind. That’s when she started becoming the annoying task master, and when I started to get too soft around her. We’ve solved our problem, and I can understand why you might have thought what you did. If you could do me a huge favor, and somehow, creatively let people know that nothing like that is going on?
Him: It’s done. She’s your wife’s best friend.
Supe: Close enough………………………..

It just goes to show, you don’t know what you don’t know. (Which is something I’ve heard this Supervisor say before.)